Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just fell off a train. Bad.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
