I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
