people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
this just has baby written all over it
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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