hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
