Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
