I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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