i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
