I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Randomize