I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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