I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
