I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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