Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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