Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
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