My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
