the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
