Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
