sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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