Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
