Having a random hookup so left but love u
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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