i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
