can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
