Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
