I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
