I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
