he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
