so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
