And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
