So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
