so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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