just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
