Your dad touched me again.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
