i love accidental penises.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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