I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
