She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
