i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
