I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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