I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
