Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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