What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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