Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
