I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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