I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm getting married
To pizza
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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