i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
this hospital has no fireball
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
