I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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