what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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