sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
