Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
