I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
