If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
