Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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