We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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