dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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