i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
