Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Green mimosas i think yes
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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