I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
