On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Vodka?
Forever.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
